Breaking Free

Taking one step at a time. Life is difficult, whoever said it was easy is kidding himself.

My dad and I had a huge argument today, I'm getting fed with the way he controls my life. It's making me feel worthless and helpless at the same time. And he doesn't understand this. I get it that he's having a hard time getting a hold of himself as being a control freak, pardon for the word but that's the exact description. All of us seem to complain about the same thing. I know it's his way of assuring himself that he's needed but it's getting other people down that's why it's pissing me off.

This is actually nothing new, the arguments kind of lessened already these days prolly because I stopped giving a damn and became more patient about it or maybe he tried to give me some slack too. But when your life is a mess of course there'll come a time that you'd just snap and blurt what the hell is wrong. I never thought I'd be yelling stop controlling my life or planning for me. It's liberating at the same time, it makes me feel guilty too for raising my voice but hey I hope it shed some light.

We used to fight loads of times back when I was in highschool. It's no secret that my dad is too uptight and I'm very vocal of how I feel before. That's why we'd often engage in verbal sparrings that rock the house all night long. Apparently after sometime I took after my brother's way of dealing with it, just shutting up when we argue. It was hard at first because like I said I am an outspoken person but I also learned patience did me good because I feel bad when I say things that I would regret later on when I'm angry. And shutting up and avoiding argument provides that besides there's no winning with someone who won't listen.

So I just kept things to myself but it still upsets me that when he gets mad he'd accuse me of things like being selfish, crazy, stupid. And no matter how I try to brush it off, I'm still human and it gets me down eventhough I know he didn't mean it like that because he's mad. I get it, we all say things that we know would upset other people when we're angry. I never told them that I'm ashamed of myself because I have no job for 3 years. They never knew how I was shamed by some previous employers because I don't want the pity party or for them to feel bad about it. I tried to concentrate on the good things in life just so they would never notice how depressed I get that I did cry loads of times at night. And it hurts when after trying your best to please them, you'd come across as selfish.

I think my dad feels I don't appreciate their help I do, it's just that I need to do things for myself too so I can feel I'm not worthless and helpless. I'm starting to feel like I don't wanna be a nurse anymore because our current situation is totally depressing. But still I'm thankful that it made me understand how humans behave, feel, if only my parents knew Masslow's Hierarchy of Needs they'd totally get me or Erikson's psychosocial development theory. I need this as much as they do.

My Love for Privacy

I know I haven't been steering my own wheel like forever but if there's something I'm not willing to give up anytime soon, it's my privacy.

Well, my favorite places at home are my room and the bathroom so yeah that's how much I value my privacy. I love killing time and I don't like to be bothered much when I'm drifting in my own thought bubble. Sorry for sounding standoffish but that's how I roll.

Funny that when I see my room in order I get a bit irked even though I shouldn't be because who doesn't like cleanliness and orderliness? Well, I'd rather see my stuff in disarray at least I know where to find them.

Moreover, I don't like to be snooped at what I'm reading or checking out something. Whatever that is lol. And hands off to my belongings unless you asked permission.

I'm a 23 year old young adult yeah so privacy is that important to me. Just had to throw this one in because I'm being pushed in that direction concerning my career and it's threatening an important part of my life.

Fanfiction and Life

It's funny how being a fanfic addict can make you relate it to life. It's no secret that my life is in standstill. It ain't awful yet there's no movement.

Yeah I know it sounds crazy that I might be overanalyzing it or getting so into fanfiction that I started thinking about hey it resembles my life. What I'm saying is being an angst whore made me realize it is indeed the journey and not the destination. If it's all rainbows and sunshine then life wouldn't be as interesting just like a fic would appear boring when there's no more obstacles.

A fanfic is at its best when you know there are hardships to overcome, something perfect won't be as gripping unless you're reading about a character with a fucked up life. And you wanna know how the journey to redemption and success would turn out. That realization made me appreciate my life more, yeah it sucks right now but I'm excited to find out too how my journey in life would unfold. What happens when I start facing my fears and slowly let down my dependence to my parents. It's not easy but it gives you a great feeling inside. Like finally I am going to live my life. And it wouldn't matter how many times I'm going to fuck up in the future, I'm just going to savor the taste of living life in its rawness.

A lot of people would die to live, and I myself felt dead for a long time before I decided to live. Life is just a borrowed time, might as well get the best out of it. Get fucked up over and over until you learn and in the end that's all that matters.

It's Easier to Write It Down

Feelings, expressing emotions, I bet I'm not the only one who have a hard time telling it in person. A lot of things bug us that it just make us feel ashamed in doing so.

I have always been the type of person who write down my feelings towards family, friends and loved ones. It's totally easier that way, you can go as sappy as you like or how I usually do it a mixture of comedy and cheesy messages.

I did mention that there are a lot of reasons why it's so hard to tell in person. Here are mine. One, I get nervous and I may not be able to express the right words. Second, seeing their reaction it can either be good or bad, I prefer the former though hahaha. Third, I don't want people overhearing it but you can always do it in private you know. Other than that basically I just prefer writing it down, it's something they can keep as well if they appreciate it or throw it in the trash if they don't like it. That way it wouldn't have to linger down the memory lane if you tell it in person, right?

Well, let's just put it this way. It all boils down to convenience. I'm a hopeless romantic and a free spirited person so writing or typing it is the best way to go for me. But I do know someday, there will come a time that I may need to verbalize my feelings to be convincing. We all know it's easier to hide in a piece of paper or in front of a computer. To hell with stuttering and going blank for a moment, people who matter would understand I suppose.

Like Kicking a Can When You See One

Definitely how it feels in the moment of a bummer's life. Anyway, I've always known I'm the kind of person who just moves from one thing to another in a flick of my wrist. Yeah that fast. It still feels almost unreal how much I've moved on from the ChErie fandom. I can still remember how addicted I was before. Now eventhough I still get updates, it's like I'm incapable of feeling anything for my former interest.

What can I say, got totally sidetracked. I dunno for some reason it felt good, although I kind of missed the times that me and my group buddies would talk about a particular topic for one whole day and not get tired of it. But I did kind of expect that the communication would die down a bit when we no longer seem to share the same interests. Well, let's just see when the much awaited show MLDB finally airs. I for one, I'd still gonna check it out. Who knows if the fandom feeling can be revived, either way as long as I get entertained with the show, that's all that matters.

The detachment with the headache provoking loveteam is pretty much beneficial though. Who likes getting hurt anyway? Really? It just so happen that there were really some good things on the side that we got from the fandom, friendships and stuff you know. Things that you're always gonna be thankful for.

From the movies to French lessons, Azkals, PBA, Dark Angel and finally Glee. Though I pretty much realized one thing from Glee fandom. Not that I'm totally into it as I was with ChErie, the highly contrasting perspective and environment made me thought of what I did to a celebrity that I look up to before. There you gotta buy everything just to get in touch with these celebs whom you support. Here you just need to be present when they need you. So I guess I was really in the wrong and I should cut some slack for the loveteam I used to admire. I've been too harsh I guess. Don't worry I'll still be a bitch to my enemies. Don't like being a softie just because it ain't me. Just made me realized I've been unreasonable before and really crossed the line. I'm glad I did apologize though and it's not really my ball anymore to bother if I'd be forgiven or what.

Well at least despite all the side trippings, there's been a lot of life lessons that I learned. That's gotta be a good thing ayt?

Time to Live in Reality

I enjoyed being mad and throwing blames at other people, starting commotion, pointing fingers. I laughed at others and make them look even more pathetic than they already are just because again it helps me sleep at night. Movie marathon, nightly trash talking and releasing my anger, yes those things are great relievers but not the cure for this sick cycle.

One of the great tree analysts said it was right in front of us we just chose not to see it. We chose to blame heck, well they're partly to blame too. I was already moving on but the question is, is it really possible not to have any longing for the real and to only keep it for reel?

So I did my own research too, I know I have to see it with my own eyes for me to accept the truth. Make sure that I have digested everything in and eliminated all the possibilities of a real so there wouldn't be anymore room left for delusions. I dunno ask me and I'll say keeping it reel is easier said than done. Well most advices are easier said than done. It's easier for us to say move on but when we're already in the same situation, it's not as easy as how we thought it was.

If it happened twice by the slightest least of temptation then it can happen again no matter how hard you restrain yourself from going beyond your comfort zone. So I don't think I can still take it. I have to, got to and wanted to move on now and leave this insanity behind. It's not my life anyway to begin with.

There were questions of how about our efforts in the past? Now let me ask, are they still worth the effort even if they don't give a damn about how fans feel? There is a saying, "If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen." I don't feel any regrets for the things I have done, i voluntarily did them anyway. I guess they're not my happiness anymore so I don't have that motivation anymore to give things without getting in return. As it is, I am only human. If you don't wanna do it then don't. It's as easy as that. I will always cherish the good things that came out of the fans club. But it's definitely time to know my priorities and stop punishing my pride.

Another Shock Hits You

Well I have written this like 2 days ago, yeah whatever helps me sleep at night lol.

It's funny how you could get hurt by something totally unrelated to your life. And it didn't happen once but twice. It was like getting treated to a good sex by your husband and a a trip for two to a romantic place while he was having an extramarital affair. Quite an example it is. You were enjoying it but you exactly have no idea it was just for a ride. There is a saying that "What you don't know won't hurt you." And there is another saying that would totally oppose it, "The truth will set you free."

It was a fine day that time, got a bit worried about that stressed ktext and read on one column an advice, just didn't know why it rings a bell. It says, "A pretty good rule in life is the hardest thing to do is probably the right thing to do." Maybe it's just a coincidence or it's a sign lol. And when I came back home, that shocking news hit me hard. Ain't a pretty good liar, it sure did.

I kinda think maybe it's time to wake up and smell the coffee. Apparently there are people out there who would do anything for money. They don't care about you but just what you can do for them. Well it sucks really, a downright insult to one's intelligence. Maybe it's an alibi or not when I say I was already moving on, I have accepted it can never be then suddenly here we go again, them giving you a reason to be delusional.

But let us bring back the classic saying, "Walang mang-uuto kung walang magpapauto." Yes even those who use their head do get deceived by cunning thespians who deserved acting trophies.