Breaking Free

Taking one step at a time. Life is difficult, whoever said it was easy is kidding himself.

My dad and I had a huge argument today, I'm getting fed with the way he controls my life. It's making me feel worthless and helpless at the same time. And he doesn't understand this. I get it that he's having a hard time getting a hold of himself as being a control freak, pardon for the word but that's the exact description. All of us seem to complain about the same thing. I know it's his way of assuring himself that he's needed but it's getting other people down that's why it's pissing me off.

This is actually nothing new, the arguments kind of lessened already these days prolly because I stopped giving a damn and became more patient about it or maybe he tried to give me some slack too. But when your life is a mess of course there'll come a time that you'd just snap and blurt what the hell is wrong. I never thought I'd be yelling stop controlling my life or planning for me. It's liberating at the same time, it makes me feel guilty too for raising my voice but hey I hope it shed some light.

We used to fight loads of times back when I was in highschool. It's no secret that my dad is too uptight and I'm very vocal of how I feel before. That's why we'd often engage in verbal sparrings that rock the house all night long. Apparently after sometime I took after my brother's way of dealing with it, just shutting up when we argue. It was hard at first because like I said I am an outspoken person but I also learned patience did me good because I feel bad when I say things that I would regret later on when I'm angry. And shutting up and avoiding argument provides that besides there's no winning with someone who won't listen.

So I just kept things to myself but it still upsets me that when he gets mad he'd accuse me of things like being selfish, crazy, stupid. And no matter how I try to brush it off, I'm still human and it gets me down eventhough I know he didn't mean it like that because he's mad. I get it, we all say things that we know would upset other people when we're angry. I never told them that I'm ashamed of myself because I have no job for 3 years. They never knew how I was shamed by some previous employers because I don't want the pity party or for them to feel bad about it. I tried to concentrate on the good things in life just so they would never notice how depressed I get that I did cry loads of times at night. And it hurts when after trying your best to please them, you'd come across as selfish.

I think my dad feels I don't appreciate their help I do, it's just that I need to do things for myself too so I can feel I'm not worthless and helpless. I'm starting to feel like I don't wanna be a nurse anymore because our current situation is totally depressing. But still I'm thankful that it made me understand how humans behave, feel, if only my parents knew Masslow's Hierarchy of Needs they'd totally get me or Erikson's psychosocial development theory. I need this as much as they do.